Apologies for the swearing in the title, I feel it may be appropriate. You know when you just get so many emotions you just have to let them out? Well I have had one of those evenings. For a while now I have been holding in a lot of pent up feelings that I just don’t talk about for fear of being judged or coming across weak against my peers. In order to make sense of it as well as explain myself I have come to my blog to write. The overall premise is, does anyone actually give a shit? This isn’t a bad reflection on people around me, more a reflection on the pressure I am putting on myself.
Feeling the pressure
Firstly, the main thing bogging me down is pressure. I feel it from all sides of life right now. I do way too much and I know I do but it’s become an obsession to achieve this ‘dream’. Therefore I work full time, work when I get home and want to achieve this perfection that doesn’t exist. I try and keep up with bloggers doing this FULL TIME for their living, yet I rely on weekends and evenings to do this. I then get upset when I see people achieving more than me and think it MUST be a problem with me, why aren’t brands wanting to work with me, I was on their radar.. etc etc. It’s a constant battle of work, achieving, judging myself against others, feeling resentment and then trying all over again to reach that same level. The cycle continues.
Why do I do it?
I have started asking myself this question. When the fun is gone then why am I doing it? Honestly it has become such a way of life for 4 years I can’t not do it. I still love creating and sharing photos online as well as writing. But it’s become so much more than that. There is too much politics around blogging that it boggles my brain. It should be easy to be yourself and just love what you do but actually is isn’t (not for me anyway). I am torn between being who I want to be and being what brands want to see. It’s a numbers game and the constant battle of getting 20 followers and loosing 21 is starting to ware thin. So being honest, I don’t know why I am doing it at the moment when it makes me feel down.
Goals
My goal is to eventually be freelance, with my blog, social media and my online store! It’s a dream I continue to pursue but currently feels like I am a needle in a haystack of online influencers. Does my voice actually matter to anyone at all. If I quit right now, would anyone actually CARE!? I ask myself this ALL the time..!! Then also, stop taking myself so seriously. It’s easier said than done when you have devoted 4 years of your life to something. Some people may say ‘it’s just a blog’ but it’s so much more than that. Paige Joanna isn’t a brand name, it’s who I am and I can’t change that. I genuinely love everything I write about on here and social media and it’s fun to curate this feed on the internet. What isn’t fun is the constant competition and jealousy that comes with being in the blogger community sometimes. It can be SO spiteful. People I thought were friends unfollow you, they stop talking to you and then next thing you know you’re just another blogger to them, not a friend at all. It’s hard but i’ve learnt to deal with the rejection, but it still hurts sometimes.
Trying to please EVERYONE
My problem is I am trying to please everyone all the freaking time. From planning my entire sisters hen party, saying yes to custom work I don’t have time for, blogging for brands, selling on my shop, meeting up with friends and everything in between. I just want people to like me and impress those who are around me. My expectation is the same back and yet I get let down when I don’t receive the same thing. I need to remind myself that not everyone is running at 200 miles per hour all the time like I am. I actually genuinely need to focus on my own happiness more, but where do I even start?
So what now?
Basically I am at a point where I ask myself what can I do to stop thinking about all of this stuff when deep down, does it even matter? Firstly, yes it does it’s a huge part of who I am, what I do and what I want to be. That isn’t going to change, so then I ask myself what can change?
My decision is to take two rest weeks off over Christmas, only working and posting content I have already made. I have some back dated stuff on my computer, as well as brands I am working with. My plan is to finish off those projects and then take it from there. Knowing me this post will be redundant in two days but I just needed to get it out.
My problem is wanting to do everything and to this perfect standard we live seeing everywhere around us. The pressure is way to much and now I need to focus on my own happiness for once. I’m sick of sitting here thinking if people actually give a shit about me. I’m sure friends do, but I need to remember that they have their own shit going on as well. I miss the best friend I lost, I miss having my family down the road but I also can’t rely on anyone else for happiness. I need to do this for myself.
xxx