Paige Joanna

Lifestyle

The lost girl.

  • Paige
  • August 22, 2014

 photo 8f5c33b8-9f0c-4c8e-9d0c-50d3950707c0_zpsa5467fb1.jpg

I don’t really know where to start with this post, all i know is that I need to get some things off my chest. This is something I have debated in my head about posting but feel this is the right time. The past couple of weeks I have been fighting a war inside my brain about quite a lot of things and i’ll be honest I am not myself anymore. Or at least I just don’t feel or am not acting like myself, usually upbeat, creative and happy. This is really hard for me to share or even put into words but somehow helps me make sense of it writing on my blog.
I guess i’ll start with a life update. As you all know I am working as a supervisor in Miss Selfridge, which I have been doing for a few months now. As much as I enjoy the people and the job inside myself I know it’s not quite right I suppose. All my life I have been so creative, always drawing and making and full of ideas! People used to always say I had talent and I believed I would get somewhere doing something creative. I almost got a dream job opportunity to work for Asos back in May and I didn’t make it right at the last hurdle, which at the time I kept my head up and thought about all the positive things that I learnt from it. Now I have a bad taste in my mouth because the more time that goes by I am doubting i’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Living in Portsmouth means I am away from a lot of creative jobs and I miss out on a lot of things I want to do. Things like events in London, blogger evenings and so much more! A lot of my friends live in London so I never get to see them, which brings me on to my next point.
Jealousy
Every day, I fill my boredom by browsing Instagram, Twitter, Facebook ETC and everyday I get deeper into this feeling of depression. I see people who got the job at Asos, friends working in London and loads of bloggers who are doing really well for themselves and it makes me feel down.
I feel like such a crap person for getting jealous and not being happy for others success but it’s just a constant reminder that i’m here, stuck in retail, so tired by the end of the day that I struggle to do anything I love doing liek drawing, sewing or making! 
Confidence is a big part of this and energy. All self esteem and confidence I had in myself and in my talents have completely crumbled. I have lost all believe in myself and in my dreams and usually I am such a positive person. I will g out of my way to do anything to better my life, on my CV and in general. 

 photo 34164a00-27c9-48b7-b64e-2d8d9c5979af_zps169bdbf0.jpg

This is why I feel lost, I feel like I have lost my soul and my fun happy spirit, Every day another hurdle comes my way just as I feel like my positive energy is returning. It is literally a vicious circle because I can’t stop working as I need to pay my rent and to live with chris. I can’t move back home and save or build my own business because then I can’t live with chris and I can’t move to London because we have just signed up to another flat tenancy. There is also hardly any opportunities here in Portsmouth for me career wise and if something does come up I don’t even get an email to say i’m not goo enough, i’m just ignored. I have been out of university for a year now and I still can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. 
No matter how many unpaid internships I have done, events and networking and even working with huge companies, nothing comes from it and I can’t help but blame myself in some ways.
What can I do though? I feel stuck here!!! 
I need a way out because i’m loosing myself, I am now boring and moody and i’m taking it out on other people. 
My dream to to work in fashion PR, social media or personal styling!! I have so many talents but no set path into a career so find myself in retail. Don’t get me wrong my job is a daily challenge but not terrible, I do enjoy most of it but it isn’t my path in life and I can’t get that out of my mind. 
I feel like crying every day, I know I want more but don’t know how!! I don’t even know why I want to write this all on my blog, maybe it’s because I hope some of you may be able to relate to what I feel. 
All of these things taken into account has knocked my confidence in myself, in my looks and body confidence. I feel like I need some time away from the online world as I am comparing myself to everyone and taking it personally that i’m not good enough! I know everything isn’t all that bad, and one day i’ll get my day to shine but right now I feel stuck with no way out! 

Sorry if this seems like a pointless rant, I just needed to get it off my chest and into some kind of structure! 

blog post end